|
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
|
 |
So Your Family Wants to Set You UpShould you do it? How do you survive it? How do you get out of it?
When I first told my family I was engaged, they were so relieved that they did not mind that my fiancé was Caucasian. They were so sure that I was going to be an old maid, already at the ripe old age of 24, that even a Caucasian husband was better than no husband at all. Soon, however, it occurred to them that with one year until the wedding, this was their last chance to find me a Nice Chinese Boy. With time running out, a string of Nice Chinese Boys started arriving on my doorstep, sent from all over America and Taiwan by my aunts and uncles, great aunts and great uncles. I went out with all of them—you try saying no to my family. My fiancé watched from my second floor window, laughing at some of the more hopeless mismatches ("That one was bald!"). He knew I had to at least try dating Chinese. Besides, his family was trying to send over nice white girls for him to meet.
Should You Do It?My father says that when he was young, he hated the idea of arranged marriage. His was maybe the second generation of Chinese who could choose love marriages. However, as he grew older (read: no longer the one getting set up), he began to believe in the wisdom: "When you are young, you are just looking at how handsome he is, how well he dresses, how exciting he is. You do not know what is really important—how much money he makes, if he comes from a good family, how stable and reliable he is." Of course I did not heed my father. Who ever does? I did, however, remember my African-American friend Tony, whose father was concerned that his son never dated African-American women. He said that before you marry, you have to at least try dating a person of the same race to know what it is like, to feel the comfort of familiarity, and to see if that difference matters to you. My Aunt Suzie, who was set up with her husband twenty-five years ago, is a great proponent of matchmaking. When she decided she was ready to marry, she treated it like a job hunt and began networking. She put out the word to everyone she knew, friends and family alike, and began flying all around the country to "interview" prospects. When I balked at the idea, she said matchmaking does not only have to be about getting married. "You can always use another friend—not just a boyfriend, but a friend." (My old Berkeley housemate, Andrea, has a more cynical view: "You should always go out with someone at least once…you never know if he has a cute housemate!") I like the job hunting and networking analogy. It is not easy for anyone to find a compatible friend or partner, even harder if one is searching for someone of the same minority in the great sea of America’s majority. It is a matter of numbers. I realized this the summer of my third year in college when I went to Hong Kong and could not stop staring at all the beautiful, well dressed Chinese men there. Wow. The ratio of gorgeous Chinese men to other Chinese men was about the same as in the States (ok, a little higher—this was Hong Kong, after all), but the sheer volume of hunks was much higher. You could see them right there on the street. You could have a choice. From this point of view, matchmaking is just another way to get your numbers up, broaden your pool. Modern day matchmaking is not the same as the arranged marriages of earlier days. In traditional arranged marriages, bride and groom often did not meet each other until the actual wedding ceremony (or sometimes after), the matches were based more on the families’ finances and political ties to each other, and the bride was in a subservient position to her husband and his family. These days, families realize that the children have their own ideas, especially if they were raised in America, and so matchmaking is more about making introductions than about finalizing unions (though they hope, of course).
How to Survive ItAnd what about that string of Nice Chinese Boys that started arriving at my door? One brought his father, brother, and sister-in-law along with him. (Was I that intimidating?) Another, the engineer, brought ultrasound videos of livers and kidneys (not his) to show me. The law student did ask me on a second date, but then we got into a fight about politics. I never said my aunts and uncles were the best matchmakers, only that they loved it. Yes, blind dates can be awkward, but you never now how they might turn out. Here are some ideas to make that first meeting go a little more smoothly. Keep the date short and simple—lunch, dinner, coffee. You do not want to be stuck for hours and hours if it goes horribly wrong. And try to keep to a public place, just to be safe, because you never know sometimes...My friend Anita’s parents called a man early one morning to finalize a meeting with her and were surprised when a woman answered the phone. They were even more surprised when the woman purred across the room, "Hey, Tiger, telephone." Pick an Asian restaurant—If you are American-born being set up with someone who has recently immigrated from Asia, you might want to consider an Asian restaurant to keep the setting familiar and comfortable. I once chose a Jewish deli for lunch, because it was the most famous deli outside of New York (as if that mattered to someone who had never been to a deli) and it was close to my house, but he had no idea what to order, and since I was vegetarian, I could not be of any help. He looked awkward and I felt foolish. At a Chinese restaurant, we would have been on even ground. Do not drink—I am not suggesting this to save you from getting drunk and making a fool of yourself. I am suggesting this to save you from your family hearing that you drank a glass of red wine and concluding that you are a lush. I don't know about your family, but mine only ever drinks that bottle of whiskey at weddings. In Chinese, the same word is used for wine, beer, and whiskey, so my family cannot really differentiate between them. Besides, in many Asian cultures, women are not supposed to drink. So sipping a wine spritzer has the same emotional weight as "and she pounded half a bottle of whiskey." Report back to headquarters—Do not forget to call whatever relatives set you up afterwards to tell them how it went. Chances are they already know anyway. I once went on a dinner date, and by 9 am the next morning, the boy had already called his mother in New York, who had called my great uncle in Toronto, who had called my grandmother in Vancouver, who had called my mother in San Jose, who was calling me in Michigan to tell me how it went. Say nothing bad about your date—If it does not work out, keep your comments benign. "She did not seem to like me." "We did not have much in common." Save your more vicious comments for your friends, who will eventually forget, unlike family. You never know if this person is going to turn out to be the next Jerry Yang or Connie Chung. You do not want to hear the rash comments of your youth parroted back for the rest of your life: "He wore funny pants" or "All she could talk about was computers." You could have been Mrs. Yahoo! or Mr. Connie Chung. (Every time I am pregnant and get an ultrasound done of the baby, my dad reminds me of the engineer. "You thought he was so weird working on ultrasounds, and now you like ultrasounds.") Finally, since family is involved, always remember that grace and face are critical.
How to Get Out of ItNow this is the hard part: How do you say no to your family when you have had enough? Talk to an older cousin or younger aunt/uncle for advice on how best to handle your particular family. Put out the word that you are too busy studying for exams or working at that new startup to really date right now. You know the excuses. There comes a time, though, when you may have to put your foot down more decisively. My friend Minaru was about 30 when he threatened his parents that if they ever tried to set him up again, he swore he would never get married. They believed him, and they were so afraid that no one in the entire extended family ever asked about his love life again. And when he was ready, he did marry. One of his aunts took full credit for setting them up, of course, but he just smiles and lets her believe it.
Other Readings of Interest
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
